I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Worth the read.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.