A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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Milk Cube
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill