“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
crying
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
This squirrel eats better than I do
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?