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cat vs inanimate object
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too