The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Wake me when AI does housework
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“our sushi is very fresh”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]