FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.