This one’s “Alex”.
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My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Every haunted house movie:
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am