[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
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Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Have a lovely day 😊
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I want to meet the individual who made this
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.