I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.