What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food