Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Never forget.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
She: I like Cats
He:
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band