*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”