Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.