I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Two types of dogs.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”