[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
You Might Also Like
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?