That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
You Might Also Like
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
no such thing as a dumb question
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
i dont have time for this