*limbos away from your hug*
You Might Also Like
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!