To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
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Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.