I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
This is hilarious….
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.