wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.