Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”