interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
This is amazing.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Not all heroes wear capes…
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue