Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
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i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid