“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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no one likes gloating
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!