If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.