Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Not today. 😅
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”