Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
You Might Also Like
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you