coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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This meal prepping shit is easy
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish