A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
What
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
me logging onto twitter
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-