PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged