I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer