No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.