humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
absolutely not