My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*