Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!