I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
japanese corn
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*