Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Good morning.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
john wicks are toilet candles
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes