me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?