Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
You Might Also Like
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Just a phase…
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
We have a winner.