What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
You Might Also Like
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.