911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
You Might Also Like
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods