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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker