I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.