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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.