i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’ve had worse