don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.