A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
#oldknees
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No