Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect