“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too