First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?